So often when I see pictures of myself I don’t see the moment of why I took that picture. I don’t enjoy it. I only see how far I still have to go on my weightloss journey. I let all those limiting beliefs creep in.
Today I stepped so far out of my comfort zone I let a 4 year old little boy pick out my outfit. I admit I was pretty scared when he opened my closet and asked that I wear something from there. You see there are clothes that don’t quite fit me they are a little snug and then there is a pair of jeans my mini goal jeans that REALLY don’t fit, though they hang there where I can’t miss them even if I’m just grabbing some yarn.
He didn’t pick anything crazy, he picked the beautiful dress I bought myself in April and never got a chance to wear. It was a little big in some places but I made it work. He handed me mascara and told me I look beautiful when I wear makeup so I pulled out my eyeshadow brushes & added a little lipgloss too. I wore my yellow sandals instead of my vibrams and he wore a button down shirt, some cargo shorts & his favorite old worn cowboy boots handed down from someone that his brothers have worn too. He grabbed his wallet full of hard earned coins from helping around the house and told me about the fun we would have on our date just the two of us.
When your the youngest of six you don’t always get alone time as much as you would like, especially when for the past few years your daddy has been gone more than he is home.
My intent when we left the house was to go to the fabric store to buy more muslin because I ran out & needed more for wrapping soap. While we were there however I thought I should probably buy the bits of fabric I needed to make Elise & Owen their Christmas Stockings, and then there were a couple other fabrics calling my name. Finn asked for some monster fabric so I could make him a “real” wallet and not just the snack pouch he has been using. He was so good recommending fabrics helping me decide even when the line at the cutting table was long. He looked at our number ticket and compared it to the one on the display and told me it wasn’t our turn yet they didn’t match and asked what the words were for the number (92) so he could listen as well. There were people all around us getting annoyed but not Finn he was for this once taking it in stride listening carefully helping me decide of we needed lots or just a little of our various fabrics.
We got Aidan the crotchet hook he needed as well and I didn’t even buy any yarn I’ll have you know. In the long checkout line he was great again so happy because he knew that at the end he could get a candy of his choosing anything he wanted with his own money he was so pleased. He picked sour skittles I didn’t even rain on his joy for that little bag of corn syrup & artificial color and flavor filled poison because I chose that moment to see the gift I was being given in the joy & pride on his face knowing he could pay for it with money he earned.
Driving home he told me I was pretty good and nice at the store so he would like to take me for a burger for lunch for a date. I took a deep breath wanting to say no that we were over our budget & we could eat at home but at that moment how could I say sorry mommy needs a newer truck next year instead of spending this time with you. In the long run the $27 we spent on lunch (and his dinner & later a snack for him & Rory) is much better than whatever else it would have gone towards.
He asked for the pepper place which he started actually calling chili’s while we were there. We shared my salad I enjoyed my first burger since August probably a bit too much. He told me jokes, shared dreams, told me he loved me and I looked beautiful today. He said we should take pictures on our date. We did.
That’s when it happened. For the first time in a long time I didn’t see myself as the fat person. The person with a long journey. The person who not long ago had given up on herself. I saw myself through his eyes. I saw someone who loved. Someone happy. Someone smiling. Someone who was loved. Someone beautiful because a 4 year old boy told me it was true.
You are beautiful too. Don’t give up. I haven’t. But I do know there are many hard days ahead. I’m finding. No I’m forging my path I have little boys who deserve to see me care, to see me happy. To see the light. Please join me we can do it together because I know I can’t do it alone and you shouldn’t have to either.