I used to think

I used to think

So many times I’ve thought of starting this post and I’m sure I’ve thought of at least 100 better titles than just what you are getting today. As I  spend days upon days, weeks, months THREE plus YEARS of not feeling like ME, not feeling enough, better, healthy, rested, organized enough, fast enough, strong enough I inevitably end up more often than not in tears, struggling with my thoughts, angry at not feeling enough, and simultaneously grateful for everything I do feel that I am in a place that I know there is more, that we need to BELIEVE, HOPE, WISH, DREAM that we can find that place and then one day it happened. I began to PRAY. To have conversations with Jesus, to listen. Then one day that wasn’t enough anymore I had to do.

How did this happen? God if I know (LITERALLY, pun intended). One day I was living my semi comfortable life, the next day I was on a magnificent roller coaster that has been designed by something so much bigger than me and managed by at the time a 7 year old boy calling the shots. I can think of no less than 3 of my friends who are going to discount this post already and think I’m a complete idiot for backtracking, for changing my mind, for talking about God and it is those people who have stopped me from writing this post or similar ones for over a year now. I’m not saying you have to believe, or not believe, or follow my path or believe that its true but just as I don’t argue your beliefs or lack of I’d appreciate the same courtesy.

My children were not raised in the church, or even with discussions of God, I don’t even know if until last year my 3 youngest knew the reasons behind Christmas or Easter or even Hanukkah or Passover for that matter they were just things we did, like birthdays or Halloween or Thanksgiving. I avoided any curriculum with any mention or glancing or hint of religion especially Christianity.  I know there have been people on Facebook & social media who I have Unfollowed over the years because of all their “God Talk” and I promise to keep that to a minimum also because even as I am moved I think its also a personal and private relationship. I think that is a lot of what turned me off as well as the people who bash each other over religion, and how their version is the only right version. I think Queen Elizabeth had it right when she said there is but one God the rest is all trifles only I think it needs to be amended to be there is only one LOVE because I don’t care if you do things because of God, Allah, G-d, Mickey Mouse, Batman, Humanity I think we should all just DO things, LOVE people, BE kind, not judge, not argue, because what makes any of us best or least of all?

One day last October Jesus ruined my life as I knew it and you know what I’m pretty happy about it most days. Out of the blue Rory asked if we could go to church, I was totally blindsided I just looked at him and said yes. I found a Catholic church not far from home checked out the times and made plans. Sunday Morning came and that kid went and got dressed it was just the two of us I honestly figured it would be a one time thing an hour out of my life, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Something spoke to my kids heart at mass that day. He couldn’t wait to go back. The following Sunday it was me & him and another surprise was Finn wanted to come too. Rory asked if we could talk to the priest afterwards like he had seen others doing. Sure kid, let’s do it. Rory marched right up to him and asked if they could pray together, my kid who had in his life to my knowledge never prayed, and only been to church TWICE including the this actual time. Then before he could stand Rory put his hands on his shoulders and blessed him I don’t know the words I honestly was answering a question from Finn, I was told that whatever Rory said was something that the priest himself hadn’t learned until he was at Seminary. How do you respond to that? I had no words I still don’t. I wish I had taken better notes in those early months as to the way my kid went from being my child to my leader. There are moments that greatly stand out that I have shared with my close personal friends. There are jokes about us calling him Jesus Rory, I know if I wasn’t watching it unfold first hand I wouldn’t believe any of it. And for the record NO I do NOT think my kid is Jesus, I just know that I have learned more about Jesus FROM him in the past year than all the years of my life before INCLUDING all the time “studying” for my own Confirmation.

I used to think and the media of late hasn’t helped at all that most Christians were judgmental jerks, who lived by a do as I say not as I do practice. Sadly that still holds true all to often but today I have learned that more christians are ever day people who just want to live in a better world, who believe there is more, that there is hope for our broken world. I am one of those people. I try my hardest to DO not just say. I think we should help where we can. I am glad to be the mother of a boy who tells me every single day how much he loves me and then follows it up with but, I love Jesus more. I am glad that my long haired boy planned his Halloween costume from February to be Jesus to LOVE like Jesus. To lead his family, MY family towards a different direction because the things I’m seeing through his eyes, his love are some of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.

There was a whole lot more I was going to say in this post, so much more I was going to share but you know what that same long haired Jesus loving boy is patiently waiting on my now to go play video games with him so I’m going to go do that with him right now because I know we can still go play World of Warcraft AND love Jesus.

Oh and I think I’ll be sharing with you how one day my kid got me to send an email to Bob Goff author of LOVE DOES so we could help out some kids and then how Rory decided he needed to DO more and we put our money where our hearts are and ENGAGED a kid from Uganda.

 

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