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Still not there yet but I’m proud of the journey thus far.

Still not there yet but I’m proud of the journey thus far.

I set out on a very proud day in June 2012 to lose a breathtaking, anxiety inducing 125 lbs by my following birthday in May 2013. I’ve seen the before/after pictures of people losing over 200 lbs in a year or losing 100 lbs in 6 months I KNEW in every part of my soul it CAN be done. It was possible. I was so fired up so excited. So scared because thats a HUGE journey. Then in my gusto because my body and my mind were not operating on the same plan I threw my back out during my very first program not even 30 days in. I cried. I tried. I failed. I got back up I finished to the best of my ability. I didn’t try to control what I ate just tried to become more conscious. I eat clean it wasn’t my worry. I am morbidly obese every thing you find out there says less calories in = more weight lost. Food doesn’t control me I wanted big results without even trying my calorie intake when I would track would be right around 1000 calories a day. With a deficit like that the pounds should fly off at least in the beginning.


They didn’t.

I switched programs. From power 90 to Les Mills Pump which is still my all time favorite program thus far. The music makes me happy. The upbeat banter makes me happy and who doesn’t feel absolutely strong doing bicep curls and clean and presses. Still the scale wasn’t moving. I was starting to see changes but I wanted people stopping me saying “WOW what are you doing and can I do it with you?” Holiday rush for Lana Bella happened. Working out was on the side line.  Must keep knitting. Must pack orders. Must sleep. I’m human it happens and its not like it was actually working right?


After the new year I started back with Les Mills Pump was doing pretty well but you know that darn CCTI dinner was coming up and well damn I didn’t want to be the FAT person there again. I was so uncomfortable in myself in 2012 I wanted to get there and see the wives I hadn’t seen either and have them notice the progress I was making. I stopped doing Les Mills Pump and on April 1 I started doing Ultimate Reset with a Whole30 inspired food plan. You see Reset while great for most people was IMO pretty heavily grain and soy based and I don’t eat soy at all ever because of my mom’s estrogen positive breast cancer and testing positive for the gene. So I adapted I detoxed. The scale FINALLY budged but over all I FELT good, on the inside I felt that THIS would be my turning point. Surely this kicked my metabolism into high gear.

Day 1 Dinner


I finished Ultimate Reset and earned a FREE t shirt.

From Reset I joined my friend Amy in doing a Les Mills Pump/Insanity challenge with her. Oh boy INSANITY, the program really lives up to its name. There were days I cried, I shed so many tears on that program both in struggling and in pride, in accomplishment, in I don’t even know what. I realized in talking with Amy that maybe I wasn’t eating enough I started tracking every single calorie going in I struggled to eat more. I was putting coconut oil in everything to get more calories in. I was eating spoonfuls of peanut butter to get up to even 1200 calories. Then 1500 calories.  It was slow progress my body was rejecting the food, I was feeling sick. Stomach upset. I kept pushing play. I look back and some of my favorite pictures of myself stemmed from those 90 days!

IMG_3330The Insanity fit test is no joke of a workout. I thought like I was going to throw up. I was on the floor more than I ever thought possible. I wanted so many times to just hit pause. to quit. I didn’t. Amy was watching. An entire accountability group was watching. I was NOT going to be the fat girl who gave up. Just one more. It won’t ACTUALLY kill me will it. I don’t know if I CAN do this but I WILL.


10 days in by sheer will.

IMG_3574 Even pushing play on my birthday. Making progress. Excited to start work on my mermaid tattoo.

IMG_3607Finding out I have even more followers that I won’t ever let down.


Starting to see muscles developing is one of the coolest things in the world.

IMG_3785I was beginning to shine. My light was sparking up with my progress.

IMG_3933We worked out together as a couple and I was able to keep up. I was able to show Steve that I was getting stronger.

IMG_4109Even when my dad came to visit up we snuck upstairs together for a quick workout, TOGETHER.

IMG_4159I DID IT!!! 90 days of Les Mills Pump and Insanity!


Even I could see the changes if I compared images.


and my favorite pair of pants didn’t fit anymore.

Aidan was finishing up a huge project for his leadership class we became friends with Richard Neal & we blessed with information from so many top coaches in the business.  We ordered the new program T25 that was just coming out. What working out only 25 minutes a day ANYONE could do this.


We had a blast “fighting” over this program and who was going to do it first.

IMG_4352For someone who hates working out. Yes there  I said it me pushing play and going to work out is my biggest struggle.  I was enjoying this program.

IMG_4373Brenna came to visit with Elise. I can honestly say I do not regret for one moment not working out and falling off the train so I could hold that precious baby girl.


Look at us. I ‘m so grateful for all the work I put in before her visit for the glow I had in myself.

However. I do regret not starting back up after their visit. Though I did get sick. Really sick. Food was not my friend. Food who I should be able to trust to nourish my body was fighting against me. I spent WEEKS trying to eat. Trying to not have stomach spasms every time I did eat.  Anxiety was taking over. Ulcers were taking over. Stress was winning.


I finally got to meet Amy Mecsko at the Miami Super Saturday event. Every single time I wanted to quit I didn’t because of her. So many times she reminded me to BLOOM where planted. That I could and was doing this. I don’t know if I have ever, could ever thank her enough for how much I have learned about myself up to now. THANK YOU AMY!!!!

IMG_4715Steve, Aidan and I also got to meet the CEO of BeachBody Carl Daikeler. Aidan got up and shared his story in front of over 300 people.


After talking with Amy at Super Saturday, I had mentioned how much I missed weights and how I might just give Body Beast a try. There were tons f women starting it at the same time I’d have heaps of online support. Plus I saw the changes in Steve. He had lost so much and looked better than he ever had in our entire marriage.


I started Day 1 of Body Beast smart I went very light on the weights not knowing what to expect knowing it had been close to 2 months since I had worked out at all. I could do this. The banter from Sagi while for most guys was probably ok and amusing to them even. From my stand point I didn’t care for it I even mentioned it to someone who said they didn’t like it either so they just muted the tv and put on music. Ok  I could do that.  LEG DAY. I was stupid. A complete idiot. I put the same weight on my bar that I had ended Les Mills Pump with 2 months earlier thinking my muscles and my body would be ok with it. I did so much damage It took 2 2 hour massages and nearly 10 days before I could really walk again. My back was spasming uncontrollable, which made my stomach join in for the fun, my legs I don’t even want to go back there to that point of pain to remember it was bad. I cried tears of pain. Such a dumb move really.

I quit. again.

But in that time something else happened. While I was at such a low. Rock bottom. Back against the wall. Rory started. It was lighting a fire with a rock and a twig just little sparks. Just asking questions, struggling against myself. What my brain was saying against what my heart was longing for. Books upon books were bought I didn’t want to tell him wrong. I didn’t want my beliefs and struggles to get in the way. I didn’t want my anger to cloud things. He was asking about God. He asked to go to church. I said no. He didn’t give up he kept asking. We kept reading. He kept believing. I kept listening to Him to Rory he was guiding me not so gently either. I had audible credits. I ordered a book. It had me on my knees in tears, sobbing, longing, breathing, agreeing. I texted Amy, Ann, Gigi. I had to share. I went and found Rory, I said I was ready. I would bring him to church on Sunday if he still wanted to go. He did. We went. He loved it. I can’t even explain the light I saw in my boy that day. He was quiet. still. absorbing. He told me Jesus had the same hair as him. I cried. I still cry. I cry now just remembering him it wasn’t in a way I can even describe it was factual, it was in a way an old soul remembers things that have happened before have come before, there may not be many things I can trust in but in Rory’s unwavering faith I believe.


He is who guides me. I can see him. touch him. follow him. we kept going to church. Each and every single time he says things does things that I can’t ignore. On our second visit he asked if he could shake the priest’s hand when we were done. I agreed. He asked the priest if they could pray together. then he blessed the priest. he is friends and prayer buddies with a nun. he memorized the entire rosary, the apostle’s creed, in 3 days. the sound in church doesn’t bother my super sound sensitive kid anymore. he sings. he prays. oh he prays. he has a prayer list. he builds mine craft rosary worlds. he prays for people he doesn’t even know because he says to say a hail mary for them is like giving them a hug because the world needs more hugs, because some people don’t have enough love and he has plenty. he is changing all of us.

IMG_5129he wanted a visual, I bought him one.

IMG_5132Hanukkah Happened. Rory delights in the customs of old.

IMG_5200We even lit  candles with friends and a virtual Steve giving our blessings.


Advent happened. Rory said we didn’t need presents because we get presents all the time but other people didn’t have much and we should help them. We chose 3 names off the church advent tree. all the kids got involved.  It was the first time in a long time i celebrated Advent for he season it is Rory reveled in delight every day as we would read stories and sharing what he thought Jesus would do today. He fell in love with Pope Francis.


I found hope. I found changes under the surface happening emotionally. I retreat into myself. I’m still processing. still absorbing. I’m in a chrysalis state. I don’t know where I’m being led, I am content in just believing, in hoping in following, in not having to bear the burdens alone in my own hands. I’m tired to my  bones from carrying those burdens alone.


I celebrate little moments. Celebrate Jack turning 10. Celebrate life.


And because I’m just that crazy and a friend showed some love by sending the the Fast Metabolism Diet book with a very from the heart letter attached I decided it was ONLY 28 days and totally worth a try. SO much food. So many delicious things though. Who knew I’d love tuna and apples together! The first week I didn’t workout. couldn’t. I was eating so much food I thought I was going to explode. The 2nd week I added in 1 day each of the workouts to go with the diet. It felt good. Week 3 the plague hit our house. Week 4 I’ve honestly been falling off track. I’m not eating as much. Skipping meals again.  Ignoring those signs of hunger that were so new in the past few weeks. I need to get my head back in the game. Stop seeing food as the enemy. Find a common ground where I’m not obsessing, not forcing, I don’t know where it is. I know at this point its going to take a massive brain reset. I’m going to have to stop reading. Stop with the me against food. I’m having stomach spasms again. Stressing again. When eating in general causes stress, I don’t know. I NEED to lose this fat. I need to be able to go hiking with my kids.


I need to back up stain order. Celebrate. We had an amazing Christmas just the kids and I and a couple friends who stopped by and I really need to thank Ashley & Diana for sharing their time with us to help us feel festive while Steve was underway (deployed) for the holidays! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

IMG_7036In their Christmas jammies.


So I battle internally with accepting slow progress and desiring more. Wanting to just be below 200 lbs. Not knowing how to get there. terrified that I’ve damaged my body to the point that its going to take 10 years. Every single day crying when I input my food into my fitness pal and it telling me that if every day was like today in 6 weeks my body would be 20 lbs lighter knowing its been saying that for a YEAR. a YEAR over a Year. struggling to lose 3 lbs a MONTH. I’m morbidly obese I should be losing much more. I see the pictures. Struggle with the why not me. Wondering what the hell I’m doing wrong. Rory hugs me, prays for me, tells me there is a reason for it and I will find it. It is a seven year old boy who gets me through almost every single day who cheers me on when I think I can’t eat another bite of food. Who makes deals with me if I finish I can go knit, go hide.

IMG_5390I have goals. Dreams. BIG SCARY HAIRY DREAMS. Dreams that take my breath away. And even more scary some of those dreams are contingent upon me losing this damn fat. Not being 200+ lbs anymore. Being uncomfortable. Being weird. Being Public. Sharing all those really scary things I only think to myself. Sharing my struggles. Sharing my tears. Sharing my heart.


So I read. Surrender. I pray. I cry more. I pray more. I feel layers and layers falling aside. I believe. I trust. I hope. I put those dreams to paper. I struggle. I pray for guidance. I plan.

Image from

We are moving from Miami to Port Angeles this summer. I have dreams. Desires. Goals. I reflect. I share.  I don’t know how I am going to achieve my dreams. Only that I will.

What are your dreams? Will you join me? If you want more information please just fill out the contact form below! I’ll get back to you ASAP.


Day 30 of Power 90

Day 30 of Power 90

I was so excited last week my husband was home from a patrol, Lexi was home from her dad’s I passed day 21 and I was looking forward to that last push heading towards Day 30. Unfortunately I did something that aggravated my lower back to the point that moving was difficult working out wasn’t going to happen. The 1st 36 hours my back was spasming and I could barely move. Sunday I thought I was a little better and dis Sweat 1-2 with modifications. I think I pushed too hard, so I rested up Monday & Tuesday. Wednesday I REALLY wanted to work out so knowing the routines pretty well I attached my iphone to the speaker and brought my workout to our pool figuring it would be nice resistance and less pressure on my still struggling back. Thursday I felt horrible so I called and made a massage appointment. I just wanted to feel better. I didn’t want to lose momentum at all. I rested my muscles were so worked over and so sore on my actual Day 30 on Saturday I rested again ate clean & hoped I hadn’t gained.

Today I got to see my friend Barbie who pepped me up some talking about how much more compact I was looking I told her I had JUST weighed in and it was only a monthly loss of 3.5 lbs, but that I felt good about it considering having to take off a week and I knew I had been losing inches.

I took my measurements and I have lost inches 13 inches for that matter. Without going into the details of all of my measurements I am proud to say that 7.5 of those inches came from my waist, hips & bust! So stay tuned because I’m going to totally rock these next 30 days! I have to I have obligated myself to participate in Tough Mudder next year on my birthday!

13 days and minus 3.5 inches probably more.

13 days and minus 3.5 inches probably more.

I wasn’t going to measure I wasn’t going to weigh in but when a pair of pants down a size from the ones I had already removed from my drawers because they are too big was now visibly loose I couldn’t resist. I only measured my waist and hips and even that I did over clothing so it’s not as accurate but even still it was a bigger change than I expected. In my waist I had lost 2 inches and my hips 1.5. I’m so excited to be on this journey. I’m so excited to END THE TREND of my obesity! I think it is so fitting that happens to be one of Beachbody’s slogans.

If you have been on the fence thinking about how to start your path to fitness there are so many options. Start with your diet, start with an exercise program I can’t recommend Power 90 enough, attack both at once, it doesn’t really matter just start! If you want to make it a challenge and have some accountability please contact me. If you know exactly how you want to do start and want me as your personal weight-loss partner I’d love to help just contact me!

Oh and remember just a few days back when I said I wouldn’t hide from the camera anymore well I’m holding myself to that and yesterday when I had a crafter-noon at my house not only did I not hide I even posed (thank you Diana) for 2 pictures! So here I am 16 days in (can you tell this post has been in progress while I thought a few things through) I don’t know how much better I look to people but I FEEL so much better.

Please join me on my journey to END THE TREND and if you are ready to make the change in yourself we can do it together. As for me I’m going to keep pushing play every day one day at a time to a fitter, healthier & happier me!


P.S What are you doing to END THE TREND?

I’m So Excited!

I’m So Excited!

Has something ever happened to you and you are so excited you want every one you know and care about to be on board and doing it with you? Something you know is going to already changing you life for the better? Something you wish you had been ready for even earlier but are so grateful that you finally are? Thats exactly the place I’m in right now. NEVER before have I been excited to exercise, felt better after doing so. Yeah, sure there were those days in the beginning I was really sore and, yes there were a total of 3 aleve taken to get me though it. Now 1 week in I feel like I’m on fire. Every time I do a work out I’m able to push myself a little further, do it a little better, and feel a little less “worn out” than the time before.

This is why Beach Body keeps telling you to just push play. If you do that it is completely life changing. I know its only a week in to the program but something happened to me today to reaffirm this feeling inside me. I had my truck stolen about a month ago and the shop that was supposed to fix it didn’t do that great of a job and the insurance company and I have been going round and round with this shop getting them to make it right. They were supposed to get it back in the shop yesterday I ate red plans swapped my rest  days to make it more convenient for them and here it was 330 pm and it still wasn’t back in. I was so frustrated with their lies and you know what my first response was? It was damn I wish I still had my workout to do because I sure would have a target for all those punches in the sweat routine today. I had already worked out though. I was still in my workout clothes even so instead I spent a bit looking at other workouts thinking hmmm maybe I should just order Tai Cheng. I needed something then though so even ordering it wouldn’t help me right now I went and started “running” laps up and down my stairs. I have to say two things about that  1. two weeks ago I NEVER would have thought of dealing with stress that way & 2. had I not been working out for the past week I wouldn’t have been able to do it twice never mind keep it up for nearly 20 minutes.

I beg you if you have been on the fence for a while now wavering between wanting to do something and actually doing something about it click on the links or the buttons and join me we can change our lives together. There are some amazing deals going on right now if you don’t see something that works for your finances just contact me please! I admit the cost was one of the things that held me back for a while. I don’t know why plus size clothes cost twice as much, and really isn’t your health worth it? A serving of shakeology costs less than most value meals, 90 days worth of power 90 costs less than a candy bar.  Think of it this way skip your latte and donut or cake pop or pound cake every day for a month and you have covered your expenses for BOTH your shakeology AND your workout program! Do it for you, do it for me, and pay it forward!

Adrenal Health & Where I’m at.

Adrenal Health & Where I’m at.

Adrenal issues are something I’ve been struggling with for a while. The first thing people often ask me when they realize how healthy I’ve been eating for years now and how I have continued to gain weight is “have you had your thyroid tested?”, the answer is yes my thyroid is functioning normally. However my adrenals are not. Poor little buggers are just stressed beyond stressed. With living on one income, deployments, pregnancies, pregnancies during deployments, babies, and just modern day stress my thyroid has been asked to work a little too hard for a little too long.

Some days I wish I was one of those people who lost weight when they were stressed, however I’m not. I’m the girl who could gain 5lbs from drinking a glass of water when she is stressed instead. The reason is my adrenal glands those little glands that sit just above your kidneys, your fight or flight glands. My adrenals have been in a state of constant stress they keep telling my body to store fat there is am emergency coming and it must prepare. People with adrenal issues commonly have lots of excess abdominal fat and if you have seen my previous posts you know that is me. If you would like more information on how stress (and your adrenals) might be contributing to your weight gain as a woman read more here.

So what am I doing about it. The number one thing I’m trying to do is sleep until I wake naturally. Luckily I have 2 types of kids in my house I have my early risers in 3 of the boys and then later kids with 2 other kids. This means that because Aidan (12)  is already awake he doesn’t mind helping Finn (3)  grab some breakfast & watch tv or play a game while I sleep in a little. It also means that I don’t feel like a zombie in the afternoon. I have also learned that when I do get that zombie state its okay to take a little rest because I’m useful to no one if I can’t even form words. I’ve also eliminated gluten again for myself. Yes I did have a hamburger today for the 4th with a bun  but 95% of the time I eliminate it for myself. Gluten is tough on your adrenals as well as your digestion in general. I’ve also made a promise to myself that even though Shakeology has a ton of vitamins in it and in the long run I’m sure it will help its just not quite enough for me right now so I am continuing with my daily vitamin as well as adrenal support supplements and additional magnesium. I am also using eleuthero tincture a few drops IN my coffee whenever I have coffee to help balance.  I am so magnesium depleted that I also make sure to take a bath weekly. That time soaking in my tub is probably the most precious and so rejuvenating in many more ways than just my adrenals. I am also making the commitment to myself to spend more time earthing (thanks Laura) and getting more sunshine to really up those vitamin d levels.

Since I started exercising with Power 90 5 days ago there have only been TWO days I had that afternoon sluggish feeling. The first was yesterday. I thought possibly on Monday I might have worked out too late in the day but I wasn’t sure and did it anyway. Unfortunately I couldn’t fall asleep til almost 3am. ICK. I still woke up Tuesday around 9 with a list a mile long to complete but I just never really got my groove. I know now to work out earlier in the day. The second day was today. I had a list a mile long and wanted to get up early because I had some friends coming over at 11 wanted to get my stuff done and get a workout in. I set my alarm early for 7:45 vs the 9/9:15 I typically naturally wake up, then I hit snooze so when I woke up at 9:15 I felt “late” like I was behind. Not a good way to start the day when your “stress glands” are having issues.  I skipped most of my to do list this morning in lieu of pushing play and working that sculpt circuit. I also find it a little ironic that yesterday I planned to talk about my adrenals and here they were reminding me too by telling me to rest a little.

So tomorrow don’t expect to see me before 9 and I think I’m going to go back to an early afternoon (by 1 pm) workout and see if that helps by giving me that little push to get through the afternoon a little better. With that Its already 10:25 and I’m going to go unto sleep and hope the fireworks end soon because I have 2 little boys who are afraid of them and I’d like to get some sleep tonight!



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