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Still not there yet but I’m proud of the journey thus far.

Still not there yet but I’m proud of the journey thus far.

I set out on a very proud day in June 2012 to lose a breathtaking, anxiety inducing 125 lbs by my following birthday in May 2013. I’ve seen the before/after pictures of people losing over 200 lbs in a year or losing 100 lbs in 6 months I KNEW in every part of my soul it CAN be done. It was possible. I was so fired up so excited. So scared because thats a HUGE journey. Then in my gusto because my body and my mind were not operating on the same plan I threw my back out during my very first program not even 30 days in. I cried. I tried. I failed. I got back up I finished to the best of my ability. I didn’t try to control what I ate just tried to become more conscious. I eat clean it wasn’t my worry. I am morbidly obese every thing you find out there says less calories in = more weight lost. Food doesn’t control me I wanted big results without even trying my calorie intake when I would track would be right around 1000 calories a day. With a deficit like that the pounds should fly off at least in the beginning.

before

They didn’t.

I switched programs. From power 90 to Les Mills Pump which is still my all time favorite program thus far. The music makes me happy. The upbeat banter makes me happy and who doesn’t feel absolutely strong doing bicep curls and clean and presses. Still the scale wasn’t moving. I was starting to see changes but I wanted people stopping me saying “WOW what are you doing and can I do it with you?” Holiday rush for Lana Bella happened. Working out was on the side line.  Must keep knitting. Must pack orders. Must sleep. I’m human it happens and its not like it was actually working right?

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After the new year I started back with Les Mills Pump was doing pretty well but you know that darn CCTI dinner was coming up and well damn I didn’t want to be the FAT person there again. I was so uncomfortable in myself in 2012 I wanted to get there and see the wives I hadn’t seen either and have them notice the progress I was making. I stopped doing Les Mills Pump and on April 1 I started doing Ultimate Reset with a Whole30 inspired food plan. You see Reset while great for most people was IMO pretty heavily grain and soy based and I don’t eat soy at all ever because of my mom’s estrogen positive breast cancer and testing positive for the gene. So I adapted I detoxed. The scale FINALLY budged but over all I FELT good, on the inside I felt that THIS would be my turning point. Surely this kicked my metabolism into high gear.

Day 1 Dinner

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I finished Ultimate Reset and earned a FREE t shirt.

From Reset I joined my friend Amy in doing a Les Mills Pump/Insanity challenge with her. Oh boy INSANITY, the program really lives up to its name. There were days I cried, I shed so many tears on that program both in struggling and in pride, in accomplishment, in I don’t even know what. I realized in talking with Amy that maybe I wasn’t eating enough I started tracking every single calorie going in I struggled to eat more. I was putting coconut oil in everything to get more calories in. I was eating spoonfuls of peanut butter to get up to even 1200 calories. Then 1500 calories.  It was slow progress my body was rejecting the food, I was feeling sick. Stomach upset. I kept pushing play. I look back and some of my favorite pictures of myself stemmed from those 90 days!

IMG_3330The Insanity fit test is no joke of a workout. I thought like I was going to throw up. I was on the floor more than I ever thought possible. I wanted so many times to just hit pause. to quit. I didn’t. Amy was watching. An entire accountability group was watching. I was NOT going to be the fat girl who gave up. Just one more. It won’t ACTUALLY kill me will it. I don’t know if I CAN do this but I WILL.

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10 days in by sheer will.

IMG_3574 Even pushing play on my birthday. Making progress. Excited to start work on my mermaid tattoo.

IMG_3607Finding out I have even more followers that I won’t ever let down.

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Starting to see muscles developing is one of the coolest things in the world.

IMG_3785I was beginning to shine. My light was sparking up with my progress.

IMG_3933We worked out together as a couple and I was able to keep up. I was able to show Steve that I was getting stronger.

IMG_4109Even when my dad came to visit up we snuck upstairs together for a quick workout, TOGETHER.

IMG_4159I DID IT!!! 90 days of Les Mills Pump and Insanity!

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Even I could see the changes if I compared images.

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and my favorite pair of pants didn’t fit anymore.

Aidan was finishing up a huge project for his leadership class we became friends with Richard Neal & we blessed with information from so many top coaches in the business.  We ordered the new program T25 that was just coming out. What working out only 25 minutes a day ANYONE could do this.

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We had a blast “fighting” over this program and who was going to do it first.

IMG_4352For someone who hates working out. Yes there  I said it me pushing play and going to work out is my biggest struggle.  I was enjoying this program.

IMG_4373Brenna came to visit with Elise. I can honestly say I do not regret for one moment not working out and falling off the train so I could hold that precious baby girl.

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Look at us. I ‘m so grateful for all the work I put in before her visit for the glow I had in myself.

However. I do regret not starting back up after their visit. Though I did get sick. Really sick. Food was not my friend. Food who I should be able to trust to nourish my body was fighting against me. I spent WEEKS trying to eat. Trying to not have stomach spasms every time I did eat.  Anxiety was taking over. Ulcers were taking over. Stress was winning.

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I finally got to meet Amy Mecsko at the Miami Super Saturday event. Every single time I wanted to quit I didn’t because of her. So many times she reminded me to BLOOM where planted. That I could and was doing this. I don’t know if I have ever, could ever thank her enough for how much I have learned about myself up to now. THANK YOU AMY!!!!

IMG_4715Steve, Aidan and I also got to meet the CEO of BeachBody Carl Daikeler. Aidan got up and shared his story in front of over 300 people.

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After talking with Amy at Super Saturday, I had mentioned how much I missed weights and how I might just give Body Beast a try. There were tons f women starting it at the same time I’d have heaps of online support. Plus I saw the changes in Steve. He had lost so much and looked better than he ever had in our entire marriage.

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I started Day 1 of Body Beast smart I went very light on the weights not knowing what to expect knowing it had been close to 2 months since I had worked out at all. I could do this. The banter from Sagi while for most guys was probably ok and amusing to them even. From my stand point I didn’t care for it I even mentioned it to someone who said they didn’t like it either so they just muted the tv and put on music. Ok  I could do that.  LEG DAY. I was stupid. A complete idiot. I put the same weight on my bar that I had ended Les Mills Pump with 2 months earlier thinking my muscles and my body would be ok with it. I did so much damage It took 2 2 hour massages and nearly 10 days before I could really walk again. My back was spasming uncontrollable, which made my stomach join in for the fun, my legs I don’t even want to go back there to that point of pain to remember it was bad. I cried tears of pain. Such a dumb move really.

I quit. again.

But in that time something else happened. While I was at such a low. Rock bottom. Back against the wall. Rory started. It was lighting a fire with a rock and a twig just little sparks. Just asking questions, struggling against myself. What my brain was saying against what my heart was longing for. Books upon books were bought I didn’t want to tell him wrong. I didn’t want my beliefs and struggles to get in the way. I didn’t want my anger to cloud things. He was asking about God. He asked to go to church. I said no. He didn’t give up he kept asking. We kept reading. He kept believing. I kept listening to Him to Rory he was guiding me not so gently either. I had audible credits. I ordered a book. It had me on my knees in tears, sobbing, longing, breathing, agreeing. I texted Amy, Ann, Gigi. I had to share. I went and found Rory, I said I was ready. I would bring him to church on Sunday if he still wanted to go. He did. We went. He loved it. I can’t even explain the light I saw in my boy that day. He was quiet. still. absorbing. He told me Jesus had the same hair as him. I cried. I still cry. I cry now just remembering him it wasn’t in a way I can even describe it was factual, it was in a way an old soul remembers things that have happened before have come before, there may not be many things I can trust in but in Rory’s unwavering faith I believe.

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He is who guides me. I can see him. touch him. follow him. we kept going to church. Each and every single time he says things does things that I can’t ignore. On our second visit he asked if he could shake the priest’s hand when we were done. I agreed. He asked the priest if they could pray together. then he blessed the priest. he is friends and prayer buddies with a nun. he memorized the entire rosary, the apostle’s creed, in 3 days. the sound in church doesn’t bother my super sound sensitive kid anymore. he sings. he prays. oh he prays. he has a prayer list. he builds mine craft rosary worlds. he prays for people he doesn’t even know because he says to say a hail mary for them is like giving them a hug because the world needs more hugs, because some people don’t have enough love and he has plenty. he is changing all of us.

IMG_5129he wanted a visual, I bought him one.

IMG_5132Hanukkah Happened. Rory delights in the customs of old.

IMG_5200We even lit  candles with friends and a virtual Steve giving our blessings.

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Advent happened. Rory said we didn’t need presents because we get presents all the time but other people didn’t have much and we should help them. We chose 3 names off the church advent tree. all the kids got involved.  It was the first time in a long time i celebrated Advent for he season it is Rory reveled in delight every day as we would read stories and sharing what he thought Jesus would do today. He fell in love with Pope Francis.

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I found hope. I found changes under the surface happening emotionally. I retreat into myself. I’m still processing. still absorbing. I’m in a chrysalis state. I don’t know where I’m being led, I am content in just believing, in hoping in following, in not having to bear the burdens alone in my own hands. I’m tired to my  bones from carrying those burdens alone.

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I celebrate little moments. Celebrate Jack turning 10. Celebrate life.

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And because I’m just that crazy and a friend showed some love by sending the the Fast Metabolism Diet book with a very from the heart letter attached I decided it was ONLY 28 days and totally worth a try. SO much food. So many delicious things though. Who knew I’d love tuna and apples together! The first week I didn’t workout. couldn’t. I was eating so much food I thought I was going to explode. The 2nd week I added in 1 day each of the workouts to go with the diet. It felt good. Week 3 the plague hit our house. Week 4 I’ve honestly been falling off track. I’m not eating as much. Skipping meals again.  Ignoring those signs of hunger that were so new in the past few weeks. I need to get my head back in the game. Stop seeing food as the enemy. Find a common ground where I’m not obsessing, not forcing, I don’t know where it is. I know at this point its going to take a massive brain reset. I’m going to have to stop reading. Stop with the me against food. I’m having stomach spasms again. Stressing again. When eating in general causes stress, I don’t know. I NEED to lose this fat. I need to be able to go hiking with my kids.

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I need to back up stain order. Celebrate. We had an amazing Christmas just the kids and I and a couple friends who stopped by and I really need to thank Ashley & Diana for sharing their time with us to help us feel festive while Steve was underway (deployed) for the holidays! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

IMG_7036In their Christmas jammies.

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So I battle internally with accepting slow progress and desiring more. Wanting to just be below 200 lbs. Not knowing how to get there. terrified that I’ve damaged my body to the point that its going to take 10 years. Every single day crying when I input my food into my fitness pal and it telling me that if every day was like today in 6 weeks my body would be 20 lbs lighter knowing its been saying that for a YEAR. a YEAR over a Year. struggling to lose 3 lbs a MONTH. I’m morbidly obese I should be losing much more. I see the pictures. Struggle with the why not me. Wondering what the hell I’m doing wrong. Rory hugs me, prays for me, tells me there is a reason for it and I will find it. It is a seven year old boy who gets me through almost every single day who cheers me on when I think I can’t eat another bite of food. Who makes deals with me if I finish I can go knit, go hide.

IMG_5390I have goals. Dreams. BIG SCARY HAIRY DREAMS. Dreams that take my breath away. And even more scary some of those dreams are contingent upon me losing this damn fat. Not being 200+ lbs anymore. Being uncomfortable. Being weird. Being Public. Sharing all those really scary things I only think to myself. Sharing my struggles. Sharing my tears. Sharing my heart.

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So I read. Surrender. I pray. I cry more. I pray more. I feel layers and layers falling aside. I believe. I trust. I hope. I put those dreams to paper. I struggle. I pray for guidance. I plan.

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Image from http://www.olympicpeninsula.org/destinations/port-angeles

We are moving from Miami to Port Angeles this summer. I have dreams. Desires. Goals. I reflect. I share.  I don’t know how I am going to achieve my dreams. Only that I will.

What are your dreams? Will you join me? If you want more information please just fill out the contact form below! I’ll get back to you ASAP.

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Through his eyes.

Through his eyes.

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So often when I see pictures of myself I don’t see the moment of why I took that picture. I don’t enjoy it. I only see how far I still have to go on my weightloss journey. I let all those limiting beliefs creep in.

Today I stepped so far out of my comfort zone I let a 4 year old little boy pick out my outfit. I admit I was pretty scared when he opened my closet and asked that I wear something from there. You see there are clothes that don’t quite fit me they are a little snug and then there is a pair of jeans my mini goal jeans that REALLY don’t fit, though they hang there where I can’t miss them even if I’m just grabbing some yarn.

He didn’t pick anything crazy, he picked the beautiful dress I bought myself in April and never got a chance to wear. It was a little big in some places but I made it work. He handed me mascara and told me I look beautiful when I wear makeup so I pulled out my eyeshadow brushes & added a little lipgloss too. I wore my yellow sandals instead of my vibrams and he wore a button down shirt, some cargo shorts & his favorite old worn cowboy boots handed down from someone that his brothers have worn too. He grabbed his wallet full of hard earned coins from helping around the house and told me about the fun we would have on our date just the two of us.

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When your the youngest of six you don’t always get alone time as much as you would like, especially when for the past few years your daddy has been gone more than he is home.

My intent when we left the house was to go to the fabric store to buy more muslin because I ran out & needed more for wrapping soap. While we were there however I thought I should probably buy the bits of fabric I needed to make Elise & Owen their Christmas Stockings, and then there were a couple other fabrics calling my name. Finn asked for some monster fabric so I could make him a “real” wallet and not just the snack pouch he has been using. He was so good recommending fabrics helping me decide even when the line at the cutting table was long. He looked at our number ticket and compared it to the one on the display and told me it wasn’t our turn yet they didn’t match and asked what the words were for the number (92) so he could listen as well. There were people all around us getting annoyed but not Finn he was for this once taking it in stride listening carefully helping me decide of we needed lots or just a little of our various fabrics. 20131018-003255.jpg

We got Aidan the crotchet hook he needed as well and I didn’t even buy any yarn I’ll have you know. In the long checkout line he was great again so happy because he knew that at the end he could get a candy of his choosing anything he wanted with his own money he was so pleased. He picked sour skittles I didn’t even rain on his joy for that little bag of corn syrup & artificial color and flavor filled poison because I chose that moment to see the gift I was being given in the joy & pride on his face knowing he could pay for it with money he earned.

Driving home he told me I was pretty good and nice at the store so he would like to take me for a burger for lunch for a date. I took a deep breath wanting to say no that we were over our budget & we could eat at home but at that moment how could I say sorry mommy needs a newer truck next year instead of spending this time with you. In the long run the $27 we spent on lunch (and his dinner & later a snack for him & Rory) is much better than whatever else it would have gone towards.

He asked for the pepper place which he started actually calling chili’s while we were there. We shared my salad I enjoyed my first burger since August probably a bit too much. He told me jokes, shared dreams, told me he loved me and I looked beautiful today. He said we should take pictures on our date. We did. 20131018-003804.jpg20131018-003748.jpg

That’s when it happened. For the first time in a long time I didn’t see myself as the fat person. The person with a long journey. The person who not long ago had given up on herself. I saw myself through his eyes. I saw someone who loved. Someone happy. Someone smiling. Someone who was loved. Someone beautiful because a 4 year old boy told me it was true.

You are beautiful too. Don’t give up. I haven’t. But I do know there are many hard days ahead. I’m finding. No I’m forging my path I have little boys who deserve to see me care, to see me happy. To see the light. Please join me we can do it together because I know I can’t do it alone and you shouldn’t have to either.20131018-003826.jpg

Day 2 Ultimate Reset meets Whole30 Challenge

Day 2 Ultimate Reset meets Whole30 Challenge

Day 2 is here. I’m still feeling pretty good. I’m still going forward with my ultimate reset meets whole30 so no dairy, no legumes (including and especially soy), no grains (even quinoa), no fish (because it just never sits well), also added are no avocados or mangos because of an existing latex allergy.

 

Lunch again was shakeology with coconut kefir & mixed berries.

 

Dinner Grilled Grass Fed Flank Steak, Salad, spagetti squash & sweet potatoes.

Ultimatereset/Whole30 day 2

 

I also did a little tai Cheng today.

Day 1 of Ultimate Reset meets Whole30 Challenge

Day 1 of Ultimate Reset meets Whole30 Challenge

This is it today is day one of my reset. I will admit I stumbled down in my fog and straight to my keurig. I had 3 sips of my coffee standing there at the counter when I remembered that I wasn’t supposed to drink my coffee. Farewell delicious friend down the drain you go. I poured a glass of water added my mineralize to it grabbed the bottle of optimize  and drank it. Not the best feeling in the world. I had 16 oz of water and added 10 shakes it tasted like something I should be gargling with not drinking. Added more water. Sat down and checked out facebook while I bribed Lexi to make me an egg. That kid is amazing.

 

Because I tend to forget during the day to take pictures you know busy mom homeschooling 5 kids and all I forgot to take a picture of my lunch. It was however greenberry shakeology with frozen mixed berries and coconut kefir.

I can honestly say that I was really nervous about the alkalinize time of the day. I’ve seen on the forums people really struggle with it. My stomach and I still aren’t on the best terms coming off my bee sting reaction this could be bad. I mixed it in 2 oz of water and just drank it like a shot like people recommended. Honestly it wasn’t very bad, I’ve done my fair share of wheatgrass shots over the years and I think Beachbody could have stepped it up and formulated packets of extracts instead of powdered greens but really not horribly bad for what it is. 

Dinner again off plan due to my restrictions of NO GRAINS, NO DAIRY, NO LEGUMES, NO FISH was decidedly a grilled chicken salad I did make the Ultimate Reset Creamy Garlic Dressing though but no honey added.

Day 1 Dinner

 

I added some baked spaghetti squash to the salad because Rory is in LOVE with spaghetti squash right now.

 

How did you fuel your body today?

Ultimate Reset meets Whole30 Challenge.

Ultimate Reset meets Whole30 Challenge.

groceries

I’ve been on the fence for months about wanting to do the Ultimate Reset my biggest concerns from the beginning were when seeing people post their pictures on instagram or facebook or where ever the meals seemed to be very soy heavy or containing a lot of fish both things that I don’t eat so I was concerned in having decent results and how much effort would have to go into it to make them soy free, gluten free and I’d have to think about the fish depending on types and availability of sustainable fish and what the mercury & radiation levels were looking like when I decided to do the program.

Last week I was over my first 60 days of doing Les Mills Pump (which I love)  and in the first 30 days I had gained 4 pounds and in the second 30 days I lost 2 of those so I was still up 2 lbs. Yes I had lost inches, yes I was feeling better but when you are looking at a goal of 100+ pounds lost any gain is disappointing. I’ve been struggling with workouts, while eating clean for almost a year and my total weight loss was under 5 pounds. I’ve seen the success stories of the people who were my size who even just started drinking Shakeology and were seeing changes, who would do any program and have at least 20 pound losses and here I can’t lose anything.

Maybe it was time to rethink everything. In March Ultimate Reset was on sale so before that sale ended I logged on and ordered it. I even paid extra to have 2 day shipping so I could start right away. That very night my friend Rachael posted on facebook a before and after picture of her Whole30 results so far with over 30 lbs lost in the same time I had been doing Les Mills Pump and only lost 2. I contacted her immediately. She sent me a few more links that she used to kickstart her whole30. She told me that  first you NEED to do this Bone Broth Fast  and read this weight loss resistance story . Now let me tell you I clicked those links and read both I even decided to go buy a second crockpot so i could have one for broth and one for all the other food I cook in it on a regular basis. The thing that really resonated with me above all though was simply the Dr’s name, I know it might seem silly but I really think that the universe will give you signs in life to make sure you are REALLY paying attention, his name Pompa was that trigger for me, it’s what I called my grandfather as a child, silly or not it was the kick in the ass I needed.

produce

The next day I went to target to get the new crockpot and the grocery store for some bones for the broth and some food to feed the family the next couple days. I came home and immediately washed the crockpot and started my broth, dinner Thursday night was rotisserie chicken & salad. Then the research began signing onto the Ultimate Reset Portal looking at the menus and almost breaking down into tears. Of the 21 Days of menus, 3 meals a day only about 1/3 of them were whole 30 compliant as well. I knew I was going to have to alter some because of the soy and fish issues, I didn’t think it was going to be this hard though.

I hope once my Ultimate Reset Kit gets here there will be more info on some of the WHYs behind the meals to help me alter the menus better. In any case I’ll be trying to merge both programs together, keeping in line with NO Soy, No Legumes, No Dairy (this will be the absolute hardest one for me with no coffee & yogurt), No Grains. Ultimate reset has weeks 2 & 3 with no animal proteins.

protein and fats

Honestly I had great intentions for the bone broth fast, it didn’t happen exactly as planned though my broth looked wonderful, smelled wonderful, all until I went to get some and it made me gag. Friday thru Sunday were NOT good days, nothing was appetizing at all, I struggled to eat, even my beloved shakeology was difficult, the one thing that I did want and did make me feel better was some Kombucha ginger kombucha to be exact. So much so that Steve had to go back to Whole Foods to get me some more. So much that he said I just needed to get a kit and brew my own. After a little research I decided to just order this gold kit, I loved the idea of a crock because lets be honest I already have a shortage of gallon jars or any jars. Heck I have issues with counter space to begin with so I’ll be doing some rearranging today to make room. What I really liked was that it can brew 2.5 gallons at a time and with 5 kids thats important.

So in a nutshell because this post has already been in progress for 3 days I’ll be following the supplement and eating schedule of the Ultimate Reset program, but I’ll be substituting all miso soup for bone broth or vegetable stock, I’ll be eliminating ALL grains, ALL legumes this includes ALL Soy with the exception of minimal cashew butter, All Dairy will be substituting with coconut milk yogurt or actual coconut milk, Also as I’m not inherently fond of fish and it doesn’t always sit well that will be limited as well. I will be eating only organic pastured and grassfed meats, sweet potatoes will be my friend, I will attempt to limit protein from days 8-21.

Day 20 will be the hardest day for me I’ll be on vacation in Key West my one weekend a year alone with my husband and no kids. We’ve planned for months to go out to dinner and I have waited almost a year for black truffle and smoked gouda mac & cheese. I really might just order it to have a bite or 2 and send it with Steve for leftovers. I think its really about being mindful and making the choices of foods that are really worth it. Some people might ask why don’t I just wait until then to start the reset, my reason is I need to start now, I need to kickstart my body now, I’d rather start now and hope to see some changes before the vacation and be happier with myself instead of waiting nearly a month to start.

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I didn’t even wait to get my kit I started right away. Grain Free, Dairy Free Easter Dinner, my kids must have liked it we don’t have the heaps of leftovers we usually do. I made 3 bunches of asparagus and it was all gone by the time we had our leftovers at supper time.

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