I set out on a very proud day in June 2012 to lose a breathtaking, anxiety inducing 125 lbs by my following birthday in May 2013. I’ve seen the before/after pictures of people losing over 200 lbs in a year or losing 100 lbs in 6 months I KNEW in every part of my soul it CAN be done. It was possible. I was so fired up so excited. So scared because thats a HUGE journey. Then in my gusto because my body and my mind were not operating on the same plan I threw my back out during my very first program not even 30 days in. I cried. I tried. I failed. I got back up I finished to the best of my ability. I didn’t try to control what I ate just tried to become more conscious. I eat clean it wasn’t my worry. I am morbidly obese every thing you find out there says less calories in = more weight lost. Food doesn’t control me I wanted big results without even trying my calorie intake when I would track would be right around 1000 calories a day. With a deficit like that the pounds should fly off at least in the beginning.
I switched programs. From power 90 to Les Mills Pump which is still my all time favorite program thus far. The music makes me happy. The upbeat banter makes me happy and who doesn’t feel absolutely strong doing bicep curls and clean and presses. Still the scale wasn’t moving. I was starting to see changes but I wanted people stopping me saying “WOW what are you doing and can I do it with you?” Holiday rush for Lana Bella happened. Working out was on the side line. Must keep knitting. Must pack orders. Must sleep. I’m human it happens and its not like it was actually working right?
After the new year I started back with Les Mills Pump was doing pretty well but you know that darn CCTI dinner was coming up and well damn I didn’t want to be the FAT person there again. I was so uncomfortable in myself in 2012 I wanted to get there and see the wives I hadn’t seen either and have them notice the progress I was making. I stopped doing Les Mills Pump and on April 1 I started doing Ultimate Reset with a Whole30 inspired food plan. You see Reset while great for most people was IMO pretty heavily grain and soy based and I don’t eat soy at all ever because of my mom’s estrogen positive breast cancer and testing positive for the gene. So I adapted I detoxed. The scale FINALLY budged but over all I FELT good, on the inside I felt that THIS would be my turning point. Surely this kicked my metabolism into high gear.
I finished Ultimate Reset and earned a FREE t shirt.
From Reset I joined my friend Amy in doing a Les Mills Pump/Insanity challenge with her. Oh boy INSANITY, the program really lives up to its name. There were days I cried, I shed so many tears on that program both in struggling and in pride, in accomplishment, in I don’t even know what. I realized in talking with Amy that maybe I wasn’t eating enough I started tracking every single calorie going in I struggled to eat more. I was putting coconut oil in everything to get more calories in. I was eating spoonfuls of peanut butter to get up to even 1200 calories. Then 1500 calories. It was slow progress my body was rejecting the food, I was feeling sick. Stomach upset. I kept pushing play. I look back and some of my favorite pictures of myself stemmed from those 90 days!
The Insanity fit test is no joke of a workout. I thought like I was going to throw up. I was on the floor more than I ever thought possible. I wanted so many times to just hit pause. to quit. I didn’t. Amy was watching. An entire accountability group was watching. I was NOT going to be the fat girl who gave up. Just one more. It won’t ACTUALLY kill me will it. I don’t know if I CAN do this but I WILL.
10 days in by sheer will.
Starting to see muscles developing is one of the coolest things in the world.
Even I could see the changes if I compared images.
and my favorite pair of pants didn’t fit anymore.
Aidan was finishing up a huge project for his leadership class we became friends with Richard Neal & we blessed with information from so many top coaches in the business. We ordered the new program T25 that was just coming out. What working out only 25 minutes a day ANYONE could do this.
We had a blast “fighting” over this program and who was going to do it first.
Look at us. I ‘m so grateful for all the work I put in before her visit for the glow I had in myself.
However. I do regret not starting back up after their visit. Though I did get sick. Really sick. Food was not my friend. Food who I should be able to trust to nourish my body was fighting against me. I spent WEEKS trying to eat. Trying to not have stomach spasms every time I did eat. Anxiety was taking over. Ulcers were taking over. Stress was winning.
I finally got to meet Amy Mecsko at the Miami Super Saturday event. Every single time I wanted to quit I didn’t because of her. So many times she reminded me to BLOOM where planted. That I could and was doing this. I don’t know if I have ever, could ever thank her enough for how much I have learned about myself up to now. THANK YOU AMY!!!!
After talking with Amy at Super Saturday, I had mentioned how much I missed weights and how I might just give Body Beast a try. There were tons f women starting it at the same time I’d have heaps of online support. Plus I saw the changes in Steve. He had lost so much and looked better than he ever had in our entire marriage.
I started Day 1 of Body Beast smart I went very light on the weights not knowing what to expect knowing it had been close to 2 months since I had worked out at all. I could do this. The banter from Sagi while for most guys was probably ok and amusing to them even. From my stand point I didn’t care for it I even mentioned it to someone who said they didn’t like it either so they just muted the tv and put on music. Ok I could do that. LEG DAY. I was stupid. A complete idiot. I put the same weight on my bar that I had ended Les Mills Pump with 2 months earlier thinking my muscles and my body would be ok with it. I did so much damage It took 2 2 hour massages and nearly 10 days before I could really walk again. My back was spasming uncontrollable, which made my stomach join in for the fun, my legs I don’t even want to go back there to that point of pain to remember it was bad. I cried tears of pain. Such a dumb move really.
I quit. again.
But in that time something else happened. While I was at such a low. Rock bottom. Back against the wall. Rory started. It was lighting a fire with a rock and a twig just little sparks. Just asking questions, struggling against myself. What my brain was saying against what my heart was longing for. Books upon books were bought I didn’t want to tell him wrong. I didn’t want my beliefs and struggles to get in the way. I didn’t want my anger to cloud things. He was asking about God. He asked to go to church. I said no. He didn’t give up he kept asking. We kept reading. He kept believing. I kept listening to Him to Rory he was guiding me not so gently either. I had audible credits. I ordered a book. It had me on my knees in tears, sobbing, longing, breathing, agreeing. I texted Amy, Ann, Gigi. I had to share. I went and found Rory, I said I was ready. I would bring him to church on Sunday if he still wanted to go. He did. We went. He loved it. I can’t even explain the light I saw in my boy that day. He was quiet. still. absorbing. He told me Jesus had the same hair as him. I cried. I still cry. I cry now just remembering him it wasn’t in a way I can even describe it was factual, it was in a way an old soul remembers things that have happened before have come before, there may not be many things I can trust in but in Rory’s unwavering faith I believe.
He is who guides me. I can see him. touch him. follow him. we kept going to church. Each and every single time he says things does things that I can’t ignore. On our second visit he asked if he could shake the priest’s hand when we were done. I agreed. He asked the priest if they could pray together. then he blessed the priest. he is friends and prayer buddies with a nun. he memorized the entire rosary, the apostle’s creed, in 3 days. the sound in church doesn’t bother my super sound sensitive kid anymore. he sings. he prays. oh he prays. he has a prayer list. he builds mine craft rosary worlds. he prays for people he doesn’t even know because he says to say a hail mary for them is like giving them a hug because the world needs more hugs, because some people don’t have enough love and he has plenty. he is changing all of us.
Advent happened. Rory said we didn’t need presents because we get presents all the time but other people didn’t have much and we should help them. We chose 3 names off the church advent tree. all the kids got involved. It was the first time in a long time i celebrated Advent for he season it is Rory reveled in delight every day as we would read stories and sharing what he thought Jesus would do today. He fell in love with Pope Francis.
I found hope. I found changes under the surface happening emotionally. I retreat into myself. I’m still processing. still absorbing. I’m in a chrysalis state. I don’t know where I’m being led, I am content in just believing, in hoping in following, in not having to bear the burdens alone in my own hands. I’m tired to my bones from carrying those burdens alone.
I celebrate little moments. Celebrate Jack turning 10. Celebrate life.
And because I’m just that crazy and a friend showed some love by sending the the Fast Metabolism Diet book with a very from the heart letter attached I decided it was ONLY 28 days and totally worth a try. SO much food. So many delicious things though. Who knew I’d love tuna and apples together! The first week I didn’t workout. couldn’t. I was eating so much food I thought I was going to explode. The 2nd week I added in 1 day each of the workouts to go with the diet. It felt good. Week 3 the plague hit our house. Week 4 I’ve honestly been falling off track. I’m not eating as much. Skipping meals again. Ignoring those signs of hunger that were so new in the past few weeks. I need to get my head back in the game. Stop seeing food as the enemy. Find a common ground where I’m not obsessing, not forcing, I don’t know where it is. I know at this point its going to take a massive brain reset. I’m going to have to stop reading. Stop with the me against food. I’m having stomach spasms again. Stressing again. When eating in general causes stress, I don’t know. I NEED to lose this fat. I need to be able to go hiking with my kids.
I need to back up stain order. Celebrate. We had an amazing Christmas just the kids and I and a couple friends who stopped by and I really need to thank Ashley & Diana for sharing their time with us to help us feel festive while Steve was underway (deployed) for the holidays! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
So I battle internally with accepting slow progress and desiring more. Wanting to just be below 200 lbs. Not knowing how to get there. terrified that I’ve damaged my body to the point that its going to take 10 years. Every single day crying when I input my food into my fitness pal and it telling me that if every day was like today in 6 weeks my body would be 20 lbs lighter knowing its been saying that for a YEAR. a YEAR over a Year. struggling to lose 3 lbs a MONTH. I’m morbidly obese I should be losing much more. I see the pictures. Struggle with the why not me. Wondering what the hell I’m doing wrong. Rory hugs me, prays for me, tells me there is a reason for it and I will find it. It is a seven year old boy who gets me through almost every single day who cheers me on when I think I can’t eat another bite of food. Who makes deals with me if I finish I can go knit, go hide.
I have goals. Dreams. BIG SCARY HAIRY DREAMS. Dreams that take my breath away. And even more scary some of those dreams are contingent upon me losing this damn fat. Not being 200+ lbs anymore. Being uncomfortable. Being weird. Being Public. Sharing all those really scary things I only think to myself. Sharing my struggles. Sharing my tears. Sharing my heart.
So I read. Surrender. I pray. I cry more. I pray more. I feel layers and layers falling aside. I believe. I trust. I hope. I put those dreams to paper. I struggle. I pray for guidance. I plan.
What are your dreams? Will you join me?
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